Friday, July 12, 2013

Pun Intended

Thank God, I am an aethist.

Life is so beautiful that everyone gets carried away in the end..

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine ..

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed


With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, You've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

(Received from a friend through an e-mail)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Vice or Virtue?

Here are some wisecracks from Mark Twain who seems to have been a compulsive smoker.  You may substitute another vice, sorry, habit for smoking and these should sound just as good.

"Cigarette smoking is the finest form of a perfect pleasure."

"Though it required tremendous willpower, I have finally overcome the temptation to quit smoking."

"Giving up smoking is very easy. I have done it hundreds of times."

"Just to set an example for others, not that I care for moderation myself, I have made rules not to smoke more than one cigarette at a time, never to smoke while asleep and never to refrain while awake."