Build more toilets - Eastern or Western?

A fierce debate is raging currently on the relative importance of toilets in the life of mango people.  I would like to contribute ideas that may lead to a healthy debate on its design in case the issue is decided in favor of building more toilets - outside and within temple compounds.

The debate on western commode versus eastern seat seems to have already been decided in a democratic manner in favor of the western commode.  This naturally happened because of high prevalence of arthritis rather than any onslaught of western culture.  The minorities opposed to things western as also having sound knees are forced to perch on the rim maintaining a precarious balance.  In keeping with the tradition of minority appeasement a fusion design has emerged.  In this design the rim flattens out in the shape of the footrest in the eastern model and imparts stability to the perching minorities without compromising the needs of the majority. What a win-win situation!  The only grouse of the majority is that the squatters often ignore the additional cleaning up required because of their yogic posture.

Next comes the issue of post-relief cleaning up.  Use of water in the traditional manner involves use of both the hands with your butt lifted off the seat.  It should not be difficult to guess why use of both the hands is required - one hand to dispense the water and the other one to use it.  This is not a sustainable proposition for those weak in the knees.  So a jet that can precisely direct a stream of water at the target is attached to the rim.  However since such precision is not so easy to achieve, a post-water clean up with paper may be called for.  This completes the western setup with a toilet roll on the side of the commode.

However the setup mentioned above seems to be in contravention of the recent government guidelines for the hospitality industry.  The guidelines state that "..... shall provide water sprays or bidets or washlets or other modern water based post-toilet-paper hygiene facilities."  The guidelines seem to suggest use of paper first and water only afterwards!  However as the guidelines come from none other than the government, these can hardly be questioned.

Finally the noxious issue of ventilation remains to be solved.   Though some yogi babas have made unverified claims of divine scent in their excrement, for unsaintly ordinary mortals it is quite otherwise.  The approach to ventilation again is different in the west and the east.  The common practice in the east is to use lateral exhausts to throw the scent at the next door neighbor’s property.  The west seems to have heightened sensitivity to odors.  So they prefer an exhaust that is ducted to the roof for throwing it skywards.  And this is why one finds their toilets devoid of any opening in the four walls.

As vertical ducting through the roof is likely to be quite costly, this will have to be decided after deducting the leakages predicted by Late Rajiv Gandhi from the allocated funds.  Keep your fingers crossed; it is going to be a long debate.